Dad,
I follow an instagram account of this young doctor in Phoenix. She recently posted about how some of the major things in life happen in an instant. For her, becoming a doctor was one of those. One minute she wasn't and then the next minute, she was. It wasn't pretend, it wasn't training, she had made the major switch. She was now the doctor. I've been thinking about that. I became a momma in an instant. Of course there are the 9 months of pregnancy. Just as there are the years of working before you are called Dr. But his presence, my role, my life. It all changed in an instant. Suddenly he was there and life was forever changed. And death. One minute you were here and the next minute you weren't. My mind keeps trying to play catch up. Something so life altering happens so quickly. And every moment after that you realize, little by little, what it means. We knew it was coming. We witnessed it with our eyes. But it wasn't until you left this earth that my mind stopped treating it as a hypothetical, and was forced to deal with the reality of it.
I struggle, Dad, with people telling me it will always hurt, but it will get easier with time. I struggle because part of me doesn't want it to get easier. Somehow if it gets easier, it will feel like a betrayal. Like we moved on from you. That we forgot you. I know you'd want us to. And perhaps it's because it's still so new. I'm in no way ready to move on. I'm still understanding. I still miss you. I still replay everything so that I can come to terms with it.
I love you Dad.
Christal
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